How to overcome setbacks – eight steps to resilience

Picture this:

 You are preparing for an important event - say a presentation at work, your wedding or, as relevant to some of us Karateka - a tournament or a grading. This event is part of your Plan.  Maybe it is a milestone on the way to a bigger goal.  You have worked very very hard.   You are concerned to ensure that everything falls into place both leading up to, and during, the event.  It must be perfect.

 And then… a setback – printer fails, you find an untreatable stain on your special outfit, venue goes broke 4 weeks before the wedding, or, lo and behold… you suffer an injury weeks out of the tournament or grading.  We have all seen these and similar things happen or they have happened to us.

 Each of us would react differently.  It would be natural to feel shock, disappointment, sadness, anger or even blinding rage (I am particularly familiar with this last one).  For each of us the intensity and duration of these feelings would be different.

 The thoughts that come into our minds about the setback and its implications would also vary from person to person.

 So, where to from here…

 Some people have the ability pick themselves up, dust off, adjust their course and march on – this ability is called resilience.  I know someone like that very well.  I have to admit I am a little envious of that ability.

 For the rest of us, we need to learn resilience, we need some guidance to overcome and move on from frustrating, disheartening, painful setbacks. 

 How can we learn to move forward in a constructive way?  The following points might help.

1.    Mind your thoughts.

 Turn your attention to the thoughts that are entering your mind regarding the setback.  These are the words, images and sounds that appear inside your head. 

 Observe the thoughts as though you were sitting on your front porch and the thoughts were passers-by.  Remain open and curious.

 Ask yourself is this thought helpful?  Are you beating yourself up or are the thoughts of a nature that can spur you into productive action?

 Try detaching and distancing yourself from unhelpful thoughts.  Here are some strategies from the book “The Happiness Trap” by Dr Russ Harris:

 ·         observe the thought and name it for what it is “I am having the thought that…”;

·         recognise that the thoughts are merely words and pictures, and by themselves, they cannot hurt you;

 ·         if the thought is in the form of words, try saying or singing it in a silly voice or to the tune of a jolly song;

 ·         if the thought is in the form of an image, try playing it in black and white, reducing the image to a tiny size or converting the image to a cartoon.

2.    Make room for difficult emotions.

Emotions are the physical sensations and feelings that you experience in your body in connection with the setback.  We are often conditioned to view certain emotions (such as love, joy, enthusiasm) as “positive” and others (such as anger, sadness, disappointment) as “negative”.  In the end emotions just are.  There are no good and bad emotions – there are only pleasant ones and unpleasant ones.

Emotions cannot be shut down or changed.  You cannot tell someone how to feel and no one can tell you what emotions you should experience.   You cannot control how you feel, but you can control what you do in response to the feeling or emotion – more on this in the following paragraphs.

 Try the following strategies to deal with difficult emotions:

 ·         identify where is the feeling in your body (head, chest, throat, stationary or moving), how does it feel (hot, cold, tight, etc), what is the shape of the feeling (round, irregular, knotted, lumpy);

 ·         observe the feelings and sensations in your body without judging them or labelling them as “good” or “bad”;

 ·         observe the thoughts and feelings you have in connection with the emotion and name your observations “I am having a thought/judgementthat this feeling is unpleasant/awful/bad”;

 ·         breathe into the site of the emotion/feeling with slow, deep, deliberate breaths through your nose, allow it to be there even though it is unpleasant;

 ·         breathe into and around the emotions and visualise yourself expanding and making room to accommodate the feelings;

 ·         make peace with the feeling – do not struggle with it;

 ·         move on to another sensation and repeat the process.

The aim of these strategies is not to make the emotion go away, but rather to reduce its intensity and make it easier to cope with.

3.    Make a story.

What story will you tell yourself about the setback?  

Are you seeing the event in a global, permanent and internal way:  “The world conspires against me, this kind of thing always happens to me”.  Instead, try to explain the event to yourself in terms that are set it in a temporary and specific way without unduly apportioning too much blame on yourself “I was having a bad day and felt tired.  I will be more careful in the future”.  Also, be realistic about your role in the event without berating yourself “I need to practice better technique/prepare better in the future”.

4.    Find the good in the situation.

Ask yourself “what has gone well so far, what can still go well despite the setback?”  Consider, how can you pick up from this point on and move forward in a constructive way.  Remind yourself that the setback is most probably of a temporary nature (if this is in fact the case).

Find the lesson or learning opportunity in the situation.  It may be that this setback will teach you how to deal with problems/injury and how to find the mental stamina to move forward.  It may be that it is a sign that you need to change the way you have been doing things up to this point.  It may be a signal from your body that you need to stop and rest.

5.    Pause, breathe and rest.

 Pause and rest for a while –  this rest period could be just a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths, calm your mind and focus on the present moment.  Notice your thoughts and emotions without becoming attached to them.

This moment of rest and presence will help to reset your mind in preparation for constructive action going forward.

6.    Remind yourself of what drives you.

 Revisit your goal and the reasons you have set that goal. 

 Consider, what is driving you towards your goal?  Is it to get an ego boost? Are you trying to prove something to the outside world? Are you driven by fear and the desire to avoid failure? Or is your focus to improve your performance, become a better practitioner and work towards mastery at your craft (this “craft” could be anything from your personal relationships, your work or your Karate practice). 

 When you focus on mastery rather than on winning or losing you can detach from the worry about the outcome – you are then more likely to succeed in the long run and to even surpass other more talented people than yourself. You will also be able to take a long term view of your journey rather than focusing solely on the next upcoming tournament or grading.

7.    Adjust your course in accordance with your values.

Remind yourself what values are behind your goal.  Resolve to take actions that are in alignment with your values.

 Decide what behaviours you want to exhibit going forward in your journey.  What do you need to do, how do you need to behave, how do you need to “show up” and who do you need to be going forward on your journey towards mastery? 

 Set your clear intention for the next part of your journey, eg. “to keep a positive attitude and work on XYZ aspects of my performance”, “to show up with focus and energy for the task/meeting”, “to be understanding and open to possibilities”.  Then, ensure that your actions and behaviours are in alignment with your intention and your values. 

8.    Intention vs expectation.

 You might have thought that if you turn up with a certain intention and mindset and do certain things, then a particular outcome will follow or that everyone else involved will act in an expected way.   But when you turn up, things may not go as you envisaged. 

 This is where you remind yourself that you can control who you are in the process, you can control your intentions, but you cannot control your expectations.  You cannot control what happens or how others will behave around you but you can control your own reactions to a person or event. 

 If necessary, repeat some or all of the above processes to readjust your course… An on it goes.

  Hopefully some of the suggestions discussed above will be of help to you.  I strongly recommend the following 2 books, from which the ideas in this article have been adapted:

 ·        The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harriss (mainly relating to the points in paragraph 1 and 2 above);

·        The Third Space by Dr Adam Fraser (in relation to points 3 to 8 above).

 Best wishes for your journey to resilience!

 Osu

 Yours in Budo

Sempai Eva Sklavos

To find out about trainin with Eva, visit Eva's Website: www.genkiproject.com.au